We all want our conversations to be more authentic and honest. But sometimes it’s hard to know what to say. We definitely don’t want to blurt out the wrong thing but we also don’t want to stand there and say nothing. What we do can decide if the conversation lives or dies. Authentic conversations are vulnerable and these conversations are tricky. They are in fact….vulnerable. They can stop in a heartbeat. How do we keep an authentic conversation going? What do we say in those awkward moments where we feel speechless? How do we address the unspoken fears that threaten to shut down the very conversation we want to open up?
Let’s start by addressing the two fears that everyone has when they share something that is sensitive. Then we will take a look at three things we can say to encourage our conversations to go deeper.
What are you afraid of?
Did I freak you out and do you still like me?
Whenever we share vulnerably two fears surface. The first is “Did I freak you out?” and the second “Do you still like me?” We fear being a freak and we fear rejection.
This gets worse when we’re depressed. We definitely feel like a freak and it is tempting to not share our dark stuff because we don’t want anyone to feel what we feel. Subconsciously we think our darkness is contagious and the best thing to do is quarantine ourselves. We tell ourselves that if people really knew us they certainly wouldn’t like us and definitely wouldn’t want to be around us.
How do we get past this? What can we say to encourage people out of their quarantine and into deeper and more vulnerable conversations?
I think it is important to address the two fears directly or indirectly. We can simply state the obvious and say “Just so you know, you didn’t freak me out and I do still like you” or we can be more subtle. The key is communicating that we don’t see them as a freak and we are not going to reject them. That’s at the heart of what all of us really want to know.
Three things to say, when you don’t know what to say.
1. “I liked you before, but I like you more now.”
When we say something vulnerable and honest our reflex is to retract it…until we hear someone say “I liked you before, but I like you more now.” What peace this sentence brings! What a relief to know we are both known and liked!
I can’t count the number of times I’ve used this sentence. “I liked you before, but I like you more now.” It isn’t a lie. It’s true! The more we honestly know someone the more we genuinely like them. I’m sure there are exceptions but in nearly 3 decades of ministry I haven’t found one. We are drawn to love humble and authentic people.
Hearing someone say this is incredibly reassuring.
2. “I have a question.”
Nothing helps a vulnerable conversation go deeper more than a good question.
A good question speaks directly to the two fears, “Did I freak you out?” and “Do you still like me?” Freaked out people who don’t like you definitely don’t want to hear more of what you have to say. Asking a question says “I like you and I want to hear more.”
Not all questions are good. Some questions shut people down while other questions open people up.
What makes a bad question bad and a good question good?
Bad Questions
Bad questions are hard to answer. A conversation flowing with energy and life can be derailed with one bad question. A hard question make us feel dumb. We don’t want you to know we’re too dumb to answer your question so we either don’t answer and mumble awkwardness under our breath or we make up some BS answer we don’t feel connected to or believe yet. Bad questions encourage inauthenticity.
Some examples of bad questions are: “What is God teaching you through this?” “What have you learned?” or “What are you going to do?” Answers to these questions require resolve and maturity and those take time. Fresh struggles don’t often come with fresh insight. Struggles come with blindness, bewilderment, grief, anger and a host of other dark stuff. We need to stop rushing people to produce light in their darkness. Let them be dark when they are with us.
Good Questions
Good questions are easy to answer. Not only do they communicate that we are not freaked out but they confirm our interest and desire to hear more. Good questions encourage more sharing and more vulnerability.
Need some “go to” easy questions? My favorites are time-line questions and clarification questions. These questions should take little thought to answer. For example “How long were you in that relationship?” “Was your family around when this happened?” or “Say that again, I’m not sure I heard that right.”
Easy questions encourage people to talk more. They help keep the conversation moving. They show your continued interest and interested people are far more likely to find themselves in a vulnerable conversations.
3. “That sucks!
Give a strong, empathetic response. Stop the head tilt and warm “I’m so sorry.” That’s hard to respond to. That may have its place but I’ve found that when we say something that can be agreed with, like “that sucks,” not only is responding to that easier but people feel like we “get” them.
Empathy is simply the ability to share the feelings of another. Let’s get mad together, let’s cry together, let’s suffer together and let’s be honored together. It’s all very Biblical according to 1 Corinthians12:26.
Vulnerable Conversations are Vital to the Church,
Vulnerable and authentic conversations have the power to change not just us and the person sharing, but the entire church. We are designed for this. Jesus shows up when we love others, and we can only love others to the extent we know them. That is why vulnerable conversations are so vital to the church. We have to truly know each other if we are going to answer Christ’s call to love each other.
Does this resonate with you? Do you want to experience more authenticity in your church? Subscribe to my email list below and let’s figure out how to brave the wilds of authentic community together.